Modern
technology allows us to communicate more freely than ever
before. Online chat rooms, dating sites, even Facebook,
allow us the opportunity to develop relationships in
cyberspace, where we are free to take on the persona of
our choice, and indulge the darker side of our
personalities anonymously, and without the consequences of
confiding in someone physically known to us, at least in
theory. In fact, in cyberspace, we can be whoever or
whatever we want to be.
The problem is that as human beings, we
often crave what we can't have. So we go online and start a
"virtual" relationship. No harm in that you may think, but
as things develop, the very fact that the relationship IS
"virtual" - you've never had to wash their underwear for
example, and you can share your
deepest, darkest thoughts with this attractively mysterious
person - means that you are on the road to nowhere, leading
to frustration as your bond develops, and distortion of the
whole relationship as your feelings grow in absence of the
other person.
Emotional infidelity is not necessarily an
online proposition however. The workplace is often
responsible for developing relationships. Business lunches,
shared projects etc mean that people working closely
together often find themselves in an emotional relationship,
perhaps spending time with someone that they knew in the
workplace but had never realised how well they would get on
together in general. They find that their "friend" is
becoming more and more important to them.
Unlike a sexual relationship, emotional
infidelity is not so clear cut - different couples have
different boundaries within their
relationships.
So what is emotional
infidelity?
"Regardless of the rationalization behind
it, emotional infidelity is an expression of either the need
or the desire to absent oneself from one's primary
relationship, without actually leaving that relationship.
Therein lies the core of the issue, and it is what defines
emotional infidelity as if not exactly the same at least the
social equivalent of sexual infidelity." (By Michael J.
Formica on September 7, 2008 - 4:41am in Enlightened
Living).
"Having one's cake and eating it" may be
another definition, although this is perhaps going too far,
as there is no actual physical contact between the two
parties involved. However, what is happening is that you are
denying your partner in your primary relationship of your
emotional availability.
The problem is that the "cheating" partner
justifies the emotional relationship by convincing themself
that they "aren't doing anything". However, the reality is
that the primary partner, on finding a trail of text
messages and emails feels exactly the same as they would if
the "cheating" partner were having a fully fledged
affair.
The solution to avoiding emotional
infidelity, and indeed many forms of relationship problems
is communication. Keep things open, discuss the day you've
had at work, talk to your partner about your hopes and
fears, even if you've been together for years, make time for
each other and communicate! If you are both sharing fully in
each other's lives, you will find the need to take comfort
in someone else (who is often acting a fantasy too),
disappears.
A leading
authority on relationship issues is Lee Baucom Ph.D,
creator of
"Save The Marriage", and numerous other relationship resources.
Dr. Baucom has himself experienced difficult times within his
own marriage, but has overcome them and devoted his working
life to helping others achieve the same. He also offers courses
and seminars for couples in difficulty and has a success rate
approaching 90% in saving relationships, compared to the
average of 20% and has appeared on programs such as Dateline
NBC and featured in magazines such as Mens
Health.